For a long time I hid from God. Like Adam and Eve I tried to hide and cover up this burden in my heart, this embarrassing ugly truth. I was angry at God. In a big way…
Slowly but surely these feelings took over my thoughts and life. And a new emotion took its place – shame. Who am I to be angry at God? How dare I question Him and His will in my life? I believed then that He was Good, right?
One day it all boiled over, I had no pretense left. In a pitiful display of anger I smashed almost all of our plates in the barren pool that changed our lives forever. I stood there next to the empty hole and didn’t hold back in sharing all my questions in prayer.
“I trusted you to take care of her, God? I prayed and believed and showed faith and testified yet she is utterly broken. Where are you God? Where were you that day? And where were you when the setbacks happened, the ARDS, the grand-mal seizures, the Rotavirus, the liver failure? How can you allow all of these things to happen in our life. I do not trust Your protection anymore! I don’t understand prayer or faith or hope! What is the use of prayer and fasting an obeying?”
It is harsh, I know. But in that moment of utter despair a beautiful thing happened- I surrendered…
I surrendered to all I don’t understand, I surrendered the responsibility of changing outcomes with my faith and prayer and works. I surrendered to a God that loves me unconditionally.
I still don’t understand…Life is complicated and unfair and confusing. Life is hard! But I know now that God doesn’t stand on the sidelines of my pain. He is not a puppet master who chooses some people to suffer in order for others to grow. He doesn’t sacrifice a three year old little girl in order to show His glory. He doesn’t pick the most beautiful flowers first or chooses the strongest amongst us for the biggest life challenges.
Instead He carries us when we are weak. He gives strength and peace that doesn’t make sense. He suffers right along with us and our tears are His tears. He ís Good indeed. All I need is complete surrender…
